Peace in my chaos

I wrote this post several months back. I don't have much memory writing it, but the words still resonate deep in my soul. It was a few days after I got home from my heart procedure. So I may have had a bit of an anesthesia hangover. :)

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This is the reality of my life these days. Peace in the chaos. With my husband, with my precious kiddos, with myself. And I'm right smack dab in the middle of realizing this too is my reality with Christ. No shame. No denial. Just reality.

Our church's theme for the year stems from the book of Hebrews. "Faith to Rest." I'm learning that this means something quite different to each and every one of us. Many are finding tremendous growth in seeking (and allowing themselves to experience!) physical rest. Some are better "resters" than others and are growing as they wait and/or rest on the Lord. Whether it's for future plans, persistent prayers, whatever it is... we are learning to wait. Me? I'm realizing my rest in going to come in complete exhaustion. That is my reality. So...how do I pursue rest in Christ while I continue to live day in and day out..spent, worn out, done. 

Finding peace in my chaos.  

The last few weeks have been a little chaotic. That might be putting it lightly. Every one's breaking point is different. Either way, you get the idea, we were CLOSE to ours. Our absolutely precious miracle baby, Max, was turning 1. David's camp season (youth pastor term for pure and utter insanity) is upon us and I had a heart surgery looming on the horizon. David and I kind of pride ourselves in our ability to manage stress. We hang in there pretty well together. We've been around the stress block a time or two. If I'm being completely honest, it's actually kind of our comfort zone. Sadly we start feeling a little antsy and unsettled when things seem to going along smoothly. Yikes. I think we have trauma we need to work through. But that's a while other post. Somehow we ended up with David's first youth camp of the season, Max's first birthday party (not a huge deal, but I was insistent that he deserved a party! He did survive and all.) and my heart surgery (because I had a straight up fear of dying... so I was also insistent that I BE at his 1st birthday) within 4 days time. 

How on earth am I called to rest. Then I'm reminded of Hebrews 4:11.  "Thus we must make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one may fall by following the same pattern of disobedience." Every effort. For me? Stolen Moments. Even for a second. Taking that moment to rest in the arms of my Heavenly Father. Everything around me is spinning. But He is stable. He is steadfast. 

Rest does not mean I get a nap. Rest does not mean I wake up an hour early every day to do my quiet time and refocus my heart and priorities on what the Lord wants for me that day. That is all good and I have tried it with the best of intentions. But let's be honest. There's always someone awake teething, someone up all night with a tummy ache, etc. etc. The list will go on...forever. 

It seems like such a contradiction. How can I rest and be exhausted at the same time. Well for now, this is my reality. I am learning that no amount of sleep, no mini-vaca from household duties or caring for my little ones will fill me with rest that my soul craves. I hunger to be satisfied and at peace in my heart. And surprisingly enough, God is granting me this very thing, in my exhaustion. Through stolen moments with my savior. Giving up and giving in. Making every effort to enter the rest found in Him. There are days at home with my three little guys that could literally make your head spin. Between the noise and the constant (I mean constant!) motion, it seems like rest is about the farthest thing possible. But as I have been meditating on the truths of rest, as I have been wrestling with what this looks like as a crazy mamma of little ones, I have been encouraged. It is a moment by moment discipline. There can be peace in my chaos. This last set of "trials" has been tough for me. I have fought God. I have been angry, I have doubted. I have been fed up. Why? Because I was asking to "JUST HAVE SOME PEACE!!" I have been discouraged that things always seem hard for us. They always seem complicated. I go down the dark and twisty road far too quickly than I care to admit. I question God's love for me and am easily deceived that this really is all one big cruel joke. But my expectation has been all wrong. I was asking for peace. What I really wanted was easy. He's got all the peace I need. I just didn't want to find it in my chaos. 

Every so graciously, the Lord grabs my heart. He snatches my eyes back on Him. And I see it. I see all the ways that God is faithful to me. To my family. I see his blessing in each and every detail of my storm. I see His hand in it all. And I remember. He hasn't left me alone in my chaos. He is the steadfast one, holding on to me for dear life. If it were not for Him, I would have flown away long ago. Stolen Moments. He meets me in my chaos. In my exhaustion. That's all it takes for my soul to be satisfied, for me to find the rest that He so desperately wants to give me.