The last (almost) 6 months has been a journey. Spiritually, emotionally, physically. Lately I have been realizing that I'm not quite sure how to operate in normal life. There is one thing I know how to do. Crisis. I get it. I know how to operate. I know myself in this. Normal life? Not so much. Waking up each day choosing to pursue God, choosing to depend on him, choosing to look at myself. This is hard for me. This is new. In desperate circumstances, these things don't feel like a choice. It's do or die. You hold on tight, knowing that total dependence on Him is the only chance you've got. Choosing trust when you fear for your life, for your babies life...it's easier than you might think. Choosing trust while making PB&J, wiping butts, boogers and every other bodily function that I somehow make contact with before 8 am... a lot harder.
I have lived "normal life" before. This looks different for everyone. For me it looked like desperate attempts to control, lots of anxiousness and fixating on minute details. Basically lots of clinging to myself. Then all of this was stripped away. There was nothing I could control. No detail I could manage. So now I'm back to normal life. Realizing that being a mom without all these things is such a relief. For me, and especially for my family.
Zach recently knocked out a front tooth. I'm pretty sure my old self would have completely lost it. Kids are not supposed to loose their front tooth at age 4, right? This is not how it is supposed to be. So when Zach knocked out a front tooth, you can imagine my surprise as I was dealing with the massive amount of blood (there was a lot of blood!) that I was calm and even laughed. My old self...no way. I would have cried and probably freaked! My thought process went something like this: "It's just blood. You're a happy, healthy little boy. It's just a tooth. This is the least of my worries." I imagine my 'old self' would have responded just a bit differently.
The month of November evokes gratitude, appreciation for all of God's blessings. I am grateful that I am not the same as I used to be. And I am grateful for one front tooth that reminds me of this daily.
Romans 5:3-4
"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope."
You're right Celia, it's just a tooth. And one he would loose anyway. And from experience, mouth injuries do appear to have a LOT of blood. That toothless grin is adorable!
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